“This is wonderful news”, says the spokesperson for the US Department of Agriculture.
“The incredible diversity of pesticides, fungicides and herbicides that can be found now in the food supply are proof positive that we at the DA are back on track. For decades now those bastards at Greenpeace, and their pinko lefty tree hugging henchmen have been trying to stop the inevitable forward progress of the chemical industry and these figures totally confirm that they have run their race.”
It is estimated that by 2020 the average slice of American Apple Pie will contain at least 98% chemical fruit substitute, thanks to our friends at Syngenta, Dow and Monsanto.
Things are improving at such a pace that we have just concluded our research into the trial of a new Multicide designed to induce toxic shock syndrome in persons of a slightly left leaning disposition. When ingested through the gastric system the susceptible Democrats will die within days and under the farmer’s contracts with AgroBiz, the bodies of the deceased can be immediately recycled by ploughing back into fields prior to planting new crops. Of course the cocktail of Multicides will have decayed and farmers will have to purchase “Top Up” supplies but as one happy farmer said, “It’s a pity the chemicals will not be available for recycling as active pesticides, but at least our crop growing land will benefit from having more body in it”.